Just in case you haven’t heard the news, Spiderman has been issued a citation by the city of New York for littering. The amount of the fine is substantial, reaching to nearly $7,000,000.
“Every time he goes into our beautiful city, ” says the New York Litter Czar, Robert Van Zinkell, “he leaves a huge mess of web-like material that somebody else has to clean up.”
“He’s not like other spiders that spin webs in corners and under furniture. No! When he spins his webs it is everywhere and unavoidable!” Explained one construction worker who was once hit with one of Spiderman’s webs as he was working on the 75th floor of a new skyscraper going up in Manhattan. “It knocked me off balance and I started to fall to my death. Lucky for me, that web stuff is stickier than duck tape and it stopped my fall after about 3 floors. But I was just hanging there, in mid air, until someone in the building across the street happened to look out of their window and noticed me wrapped in this stuff and being blown about by a strong wind!”
Citizen Sara Clemons works in the Empire State Building, claims that she has been hit in the face by his used web material while passing through the doorway to the building. “It just drops out of nowhere and engulfs you! I was dressed for dinner one night and wore this lovely red dress from Versace when this shit grabbed me and there I was, struggling to free myself. I finally did get free, but my dress was filthy. Is he going to pay me back for the cleaning bill? I haven’t seen a penny yet. He may be a super hero in some eyes, but to me he is no better than those who place graffiti all around town. He’s a bum!”
At the beginning of his career, the building managers would pay extra money for the window washers to clean it off as they go. The washers, however, soon found that dumping this stuff in a landfill was getting to be quite costly as there was so much of it, that they couldn’t get reimbursed by the building owners, so they had to raise their rates just to make ends meet. This quickly became too costly for the building owners and subsequently stopped paying for this service. The city quickly became an eyesore.
Spiderman has also run into trouble in the city because of his masked presence. When he finds himself needing to go, not one of the stores will allow him to utilize their facilities. Many of the city’s homeless have reported that they have seen him in the alleys and rooftops spelling out his name with his own urine.
“I was at my house, in the alley, just last week” reported James Lee Mausterheisen, an unemployed and homeless man living in an alley on Wall Street, I was getting ready for my date The First Lady. I went to use the toilet and as I sat down I looked across the alley and guess what? There was Spiderman, sitting against a brick wall, and taking a dump of his own. I think he might have had diarrhea. It was an awful smell and the flies were especially bad then. He left before I could get his autograph, though, and he didn’t even clean up after himself!”
The city’s Mayor, Reuumpell Steiltskenn, has had enough of this shit and has developed a special brigade to the New York City Sanitation Department known as the Spiderman Division. These highly trained individuals are tasked with the most important duty of locating places where Spiderman has been and erase the evidence of his previous presence. Since their work is performed in the dead of night, it is not known to the public or this reporter, just how they go about their duties.
Some have speculated that they first locate Spiderman himself and follow him around while removing his residue. Others believe that the Division equips each specialist with a weapon, of sorts. Most believe that they carry flame throwers that will burn the sticky web substance from the building. There has been an increase in structure fires reported by the New York Fire Department, which is drawing from their ability to serve the citizens.
So, the city council voted back in August to make Spiderman responsible, by sending him a bill for cleanup to this point and quarterly after that. Spiderman responded, “What do they want from me? I stop evil forces from dominating the city and they still complain. I don’t have a job, per se. How am I supposed to pay this bill? I’ve tried to get corporate sponsorship but no one is eager to step forward and donate a salary to this homeless man.”
To this date, however, Spiderman has yet to work out a solution and he is now 6 months behind in paying his debt to the city. We asked several Wall Street types and CEO’s if they would help out Spiderman and they all refused, saying that they were all evil themselves and draw enjoyment from Spidermans predicament.
Hupponte Rooftop, reporting for WMSCL News.
Disclaimer: This entire story is in no way related to any person, place or entity. It is all fictitious and was written in jest. I made up the whole thing and in no way is it intended to cast aspersions on the real Spiderman or the one created for Marvel Comics by the great Stan Lee. Just enjoy the story!