funny

Funny Quotes and Where Have I been?


Hey there and Hi-De-Ho Everybody!  I’ve got to get my act together.  I’ve really been working on my next novel, which is a sequel to The Thorium Endeavor.  The story is not like a volume 2, but is a new story featuring the main characters from The Thorium Endeavor and introducing a few more.  It tells of a new threat of world domination and will we be able to overcome this evil?  The characters were introduced to the world in The Thoirum Endeavor.  If you have yet to meet these folks you may want to read The Thorium Endeavor first.  It is available as an ebook on Amazon, Barnes & Nobel, Kobo, IBooks and Smashwords.  It is also available in paperback on Amazon only.

The new story is still a work in progress and a title has not yet been decided on, but it will have its own title and not be a continuation of The Thorium Endeavor.


In the meantime, I just wanted to check in with you and let you all know that I am still alive and writing.

Now that summer is now here, I will be blogging more often than I did during the winter months.

Today, however, I am bringing the laughter back!  Enjoy the humor!

Funny Quotes:

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.

 

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

 

 

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

 

 

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

 

It’s Just a Joke! Feel Free to Laff!

The best…….er………blast seat in the house!
worst-place-sit-shotgun-dumbest-policeman

Hello everyone! Today is Monday, April 8, 2013 and it is a gorgeous day in Denver. If you are here, you’d better enjoy it quick because tonight brings snow and cold back. Tomorrow’s high is expected to reach a smoldering 26 degrees! That’s quite a shocker since we have been getting accustomed to the 70’s and *80’s.

Well, enough of the weather. How was your weekend? Did you do anything? Go anywhere? Buy something new?

I did. I went on an excursion to the wild frontier of Walmart. You should have seen the creatures I saw there.

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wal_mart_25
wal_mart_60

Well, I didn’t actually see these people. These are some pictures of people taken at various Walmart’s and posted on a site called People of Walmart They’re fun to look at, but for how much longer? Americas is a nation of people that get their feelings hurt way too easily.

We used to joke about a lot of things, yes, people included, that we don’t dare do anymore for fear of hurting someone’s feelings. My motto is and always has been, “sticks and stones my break my bones but words will NEVER hurt me.” Is that even taught anymore? When we were children, that phrase helped us to understand that WE WERE STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE A JOKE AND NOT GET OFFENDED BY IT. Our generation has produced a whole bunch of humor and comedians.

In fact, I used to aspire to become a comedian myself, but never did follow through with it. Unless you look at my picture and understand the hilarity of my face. Go on! Make me the butt of your joke. I think it is funny and if it’s not funny it is only because you aren’t a funny guy or gal yourself.

We learned a lot about comic timing when I was growing up and understand that a joke is only funny because of the way it is presented. Like this funny guy in the last picture He’s having a ball because he knows that he is making people laugh.

But how long will it be before this generation is gone and nobody appreciates humor anymore? Will these “Walmart People” finally be recognized as a race of their own and become offended at the jokes to the point where you could even be fired or sued for finding this stuff funny?

Two pollocks were walking in the woods when they came across a sheep with it’s head stuck in a fence.

The one pulls down his pants & does the sheep.

Then he turns to his buddy and said, “Ok it’s your turn.”

So his buddy sticks his head in the fence.

Okay, you smiled! You might have even laughed a little. It wasn’t hilarious but it was humorous. So, tell me, did your get the humor? or did you choose to be offended somehow?

Grow some backbone, people! Men! Let your balls drop! Women! Stop it with the holier than thou attitude! It was only a joke. Laugh a little. It will make your day lighter and you happier.

Okay, so I was in Walmart What did I buy? Please laugh at this if you wish. I promise to not be offended. I think it is funny too.

I bought my first walker. It’s a rollator actually. One of those with 4 wheels and a seat in the middle of it.

Okay, I was going to post a funny picture of someone who is using a walker but it appears this territory is open to humor. I can’t find any funny pictures of people using walkers or rollators (which is what I bought) by doing a search on Google. So, there you go. Here’s an area that can be exploited for humor. After all, it is largely my generation who is moving into this area and we like funny.

A man was dancing closely with his new girl friend when she said, “Ooo! Is that your walker or are you just happy to see me?”

There you go! I’ve started it, although it is an old joke reworked a little, but let the jokes begin. Try your own wit and see what you can come up with. Remember, it is an open field so try it. I promise to not be offended, but be tasteful.

Superhero Dilemna’s

Good Friday, everybody!  The weekend is just hours away, so start wearing your weekend fun time faces now.  It has been a long grueling, unrewarding week for many of you, maybe all of you, but I hope not.  I truly hope that you’ve all had a good week.  If you are one of the many whose week has been awesome, then do as I do.  Put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in and shake it all about.  Do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around.

What did you ask, Sharon?  The answer is no, you don’t need to be naked to do this.  It is truly optional.  Just because I do the hokey pokey au naturel  doesn’t make it a requirement for all of you.  If you would rather not look while I shake it all about  that’s just fine.  Do what you want.  After all, that’s what it’s all about!

So, this thought came to me just as I was crawling into bed last night.  It seemed so funny to me that I couldn’t forget about it all night and today I am sharing it with you fine people.  I often like to say something that is either funny or just weird to my wife, before I lay down, to help her forget about the pressures she has endured during the day.  I had this thought but didn’t share it with her because I knew it would possibly require a lengthy conversation and that would tend to spoil the joke if it were told late at night when her funny bone may already be asleep.

Sometimes I pretend to be a well-known superhero, like Superman, and I’ll say something like “If you wake during the night and find me not here beside you, it will be because I am battling Lex Luther and his minions somewhere in the stratosphere.”

So last night, I was trying to come up with something to say and the thought of the bat-signal came to mind.  And what would be funny about that?  Then I thought, if batman is asleep how can the bat-signal wake him to save Gotham City?  So, I considered something audible, like the screeching sound of a bat itself,  that would accompany the flashing of the bat-signal and continue until batman is in the Bat-mobile   That would work, I thought.

Then it came to me!  This can be a topic for discussion.  What happens when the bat-signal is flashing and the screeching sound of the bat that accompanies it is screeching into the night for everyone to try to hide from, and Batman is sitting, constipated on the toilet?  Or worse, having a bout with diarhea?  Would Batman be able to arrive in time to save the day?   Would he be able to put what he is doing on hold so that he could don his Batman attire and race off into the night in the Bat-mobile to fight the Penquin?  Or would the bat-toilet take flight with Batman aboard and when it gets above the evil doers, would it incorporate the power of the bat-flush to subdue them?  Would Robin clean up the mess?  Is that even in his job description?   And if he knew this before hand, why did he takes this job?  Is Robin really into this kind of kinky shit?

Better yet, and this would surely apply if Batman were constipated, while he fights the Penquin, Catwoman, The Joker, etc. and all their henchmen, would he be able to utilize his new weapon which was developed just for situations like this, the Bat-fart, to subdue these criminals?  And what would that do to the air quality of Gotham City?  How would that effect their tourism industry?

I tend to believe that such a weapon would surely give Batman the upper hand.  Robin, not so much.  Tourism?  Why would anyone in their right minds want to visit Gotham City?