picture by erikvonlehmann.deviantart.com

Just in case you haven’t heard the news, Spiderman has been issued a citation by the city of New York for littering.  The amount of the fine is substantial, reaching to nearly $7,000,000.

“Every time he goes into our beautiful city, ” says the New York Litter Czar, Robert Van Zinkell, “he leaves a huge mess of web-like material that somebody else has to clean up.”

“He’s not like other spiders that spin webs in corners and under furniture.  No! When he spins his webs it is everywhere and unavoidable!”  Explained one construction worker who was once hit with one of Spiderman’s webs as he was working on the 75th floor of a new skyscraper going up in Manhattan.  “It knocked me off balance and I started to fall to my death.  Lucky for me, that web stuff is stickier than duck tape and it stopped my fall after about 3 floors.  But I was just hanging there, in mid air, until someone in the building across the street happened to look out of their window and noticed me wrapped in this stuff and being blown about by a strong wind!”

Citizen Sara Clemons works in the Empire State Building, claims that she has been hit in the face by his used web material while passing through the doorway to the building.  “It just drops out of nowhere and engulfs you!  I was dressed for dinner one night and wore this lovely red dress from Versace when this shit grabbed me and there I was, struggling to free myself.  I finally did get free, but my dress was filthy.  Is he going to pay me back for the cleaning bill?  I haven’t seen a penny yet.  He may be a super hero in some eyes, but to me he is no better than those who place graffiti all around town.  He’s a bum!”

At the beginning of his career, the building managers would pay extra money for the window washers to clean it off as they go.  The washers, however, soon found that dumping this stuff in a landfill was getting to be quite costly as there was so much of it, that they couldn’t get reimbursed by the building owners, so they had to raise their rates just to make ends meet.  This quickly became too costly for the building owners and subsequently stopped paying for this service.  The city quickly became an eyesore.

Spiderman has also run into trouble in the city because of his masked presence.  When he finds himself needing to go, not one of the stores will allow him to utilize their facilities.  Many of the city’s homeless have reported that they have seen him in the alleys and rooftops spelling out his name with his own urine.

“I was at my house, in the alley, just last week” reported James Lee Mausterheisen, an unemployed and homeless man living in an alley on Wall Street, I was getting ready for my date The First Lady.  I went to use the toilet and as I sat down I looked across the alley and guess what?  There was Spiderman,  sitting against a brick wall, and taking a dump of his own.  I think he might have had diarrhea.  It was an awful smell and the flies were especially bad then.  He left before I could get his autograph, though, and he didn’t even clean up after himself!”

The city’s Mayor, Reuumpell Steiltskenn, has had enough of this shit and has developed a special brigade to the New York City Sanitation Department known as the Spiderman Division.  These highly trained individuals are tasked with the most important duty of locating places where Spiderman has been and erase the evidence of his previous presence.  Since their work is performed in the dead of night, it is not known to the public or this reporter, just how they go about their duties.

Some have speculated that they first locate Spiderman himself and follow him around while removing his residue.  Others believe that the Division equips each specialist with a weapon, of sorts.  Most believe that they carry flame throwers that will burn the sticky web substance from the building.  There has been an increase in structure fires reported by the New York Fire Department, which is drawing from their ability to serve the citizens.

So, the city council voted back in August to make Spiderman responsible, by sending him a bill for cleanup to this point and quarterly after that.  Spiderman responded, “What do they want from me?  I stop evil forces from dominating the city and they still complain.  I don’t have a job, per se.  How am I supposed to pay this bill?  I’ve tried to get corporate sponsorship but no one is eager to step forward and donate a salary to this homeless man.”

To this date, however, Spiderman has yet to work out a solution and he is now 6 months behind in paying his debt to the city.  We asked several Wall Street types and CEO’s if they would help out Spiderman and they all refused, saying that they were all evil themselves and draw enjoyment from Spidermans predicament.

Hupponte Rooftop, reporting for WMSCL News.

Disclaimer:  This entire story is in no way related to any person, place or entity.  It is all fictitious and was written in jest.  I made up the whole thing and in no way is it intended to cast aspersions on the real Spiderman or the one created for Marvel Comics by the great Stan Lee.  Just enjoy the story!

Not a Fan of the Dark Side

I am not afraid of the dark side, nor am I a fan of it.  I prefer a world with no dark side, however I have to accept the fact that our world has a deathly shadow cast over it


I am not commenting on the tragedy in Boston and Waco, except to say both are tragic events that took lives and could probably have been avoided.  But that was then and this is now and i want to tell the victims and families of both that I am very sorry for their loss and that this kind of thing would even happen.


I am currently working on a third novel that I am having second thoughts about.  I know that I am an author in search of readership and therefore have yet to settle on any specific genre.  My first novel, Rescue of the Heart is an action packed love story.  The second, The Thorium Endeavor is a story of  espionage and introduces Agent 355 as a female assassin.  This third novel, whose working title is Holding Her,  is going to be about a serial killer who has a dark side that overtakes him and makes him do really bad things.


I have to wonder if there truly is a market for such a story though.  Granted, Agent 355 in The Thoirum Endeavor, does do some pretty gruesome assassination’s but it is a story of good taking the fight to evil and quashing it.  I am actually considering a sequel to this story.


I know that the devil is real and accomplishes his work through the use of people who are mostly weak minded and lacking in faith in God.  He is super conniving and bent on destroying all things right and good.  I do believe that is why we have so many bad things happening in our world, today. One day that will all be corrected when Jesus returns and throws satan in the incinerator that was built just for him and his cohorts.  Then we can have a world that is fun to live in rather than the fear we that is thrust upon us in  this one.


So, I’m unsure about this serial killer genre.  Do I really want my readership to wallow in darkness?  How about if I find a way to shine some light in there?  Maybe create a hero that can overcome this evil and thrash it within an inch of its life?  Hmm, I just might have something there.


Thanks for allowing me this counseling session.  I think it has done me some good.  You guys are good!  Ever thought of opening up your own practice?


Here is your video funny for the day.  Click the link below.  Trust me, its ok and funny.  I just had trouble copying it to the blog.